How The Other Half Lives
by a colourful way
Summary: Rose has her very own Doctor now. But how can she settle when she knows the HE is still out there somewhere? Post Journey's End
1. Chapter 1

**Part One – Awakening**

It was all or nothing for Rose Tyler.

Right now, she had nothing.

She lifted her head from her pillow, frowning at the drool stain that trailed behind. Wiping her mouth, she sat up, working to disentangle her legs from the twisted linens. The numbers on the clock radio beside her bed glared obnoxiously, forcing her to dolefully acknowledge that it would be yet another sleepless night. _3:11 a.m. _She hadn't gotten a good night's sleep since—

Rose shuddered. Once her mind started on this track she knew where it would lead. _Bad places._ Climbing out of bed, she marveled at the body that lay there comfortably beside her on all these sleepless nights. This was the man who meant so much to her, who did all for her, who loved her unconditionally. But for some reason, he wasn't _right_.

She hated herself for even thinking those words. But how could she stop herself?

_This isn't right_.

She tried to shrug off the nagging thoughts. She went through a mental checklist that she had rehearsed pointlessly almost every night beginning from her first day in this new life. It was more of a practice in memorization at this point than it was an exercise for mental health:

He was the Doctor.  
He was hers.  
She was his.  
_Until death do us part._

Sure, Rose's arrangement with "her" Doctor seemed jolly well and good on the surface of the matter…but when she delved deeper into her thoughts, she couldn't help but question the legitimacy of him. _Of us._

She cringed upon thinking those words; the guilt was almost too much to bear. She knew that her Doctor would never forgive himself if he caught wind of these hesitations and misgivings. Though she knew he already suspected as much.

He was perfect; he was more than she deserved. She wanted to tell him all of these things but she didn't know how. From the day she met the Doctor she had yearned to share a lifetime with him, and everything had finally fallen into place. It was better than perfect: to share a life with the Doctor, but for him to be able to share his entire life with this one woman. The very woman that his original self had tried so hard not to love.

But the very fact that the man lying beside her was human made him the farthest thing possible from the Doctor she had known and always loved. Selfish as it was, the Doctor she loved was a Time Lord. The Doctor without his Time Lord identity is not the Doctor. He may look and act the same, but the true Doctor's identity was thoroughly and categorically linked his identity as the Time Lord. The lone traveler. The hero.

She wanted him back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two – Complications**

"—you look like the livin' dead, Rose, honestly. D'you think you should take some vitamins? I've got iron supplements if you think—," Jackie hurried over to the medicine cabinet and gathered an indiscriminate armful of bottles.

"_Mum_," hissed Rose.

Jackie straightened, a couple bottles falling from her arms and clattered noisily to the ground.

"What, sweetheart?"

"I'm fine," said Rose calmly, "I mean it. I'm fine."

Everyone was silent for a moment. The Doctor lifted his mug to his lips and took a small sip. He still looked sort of amused, a faint smile playing upon his lips. Rose lifted her eyes to meet his. She saw the miniscule creases that tugged at the corners of his mouth and sensed the tension embedded within his otherwise playful countenance. He couldn't fool her for a second – Rose knew those eyes better than her own.

But what could he see in her eyes? Could he see the hesitance? The pain? The uncertainty? Rose shuddered, thinking that perhaps he could sense that a piece of her reluctant heart had just thawed.

At last she tore her eyes from his. They landed on Jackie, who was mumbling to herself, picking up stray vitamin bottles from the floor and shoving them back into the cabinet. When Jackie finished, her eyes fluttered to the Doctor, whose gaze remained intently fixed on Rose.

It was Jackie's turn to roll her eyes. She picked up her mug and walked to the door, muttering something involving the words "don't think he's changed a bit" as she left.

They were alone. Rose fixed her gaze upon a stray piece of cereal on the floor. For some stupid reason, she felt like a 12-year-old girl alone with her crush for the first time. Yearning to be close to him, and at the same time, yearning to run far away without ever looking back.

Except this wasn't Rose's first time alone with the Doctor. She reminded herself of all the times that she'd spent with him—the good, the bad, the in-between.

But really it had all been good, she thought fondly. She smiled.

Was this the same man? She lifted her eyes to meet his. She saw that the apprehension had returned to his face; now that Jackie had left, he let his guard down and exhibited a much more overt display of emotion. He seemed unsure of how to start the conversation.

It took him a minute. Or was it ten?

"Rose…" he breathed. It was more to himself than anything.

"I…I'm sorry," Rose stammered. She tried her best not to let her tears get the best of her.

"Sorry?" He looked genuinely lost. He lifted his right hand and tugged on his ear.

Rose couldn't doubt his essential Doctor-ness. It was all there. So why was a piece of her still missing? Rose took a deep breath and started in, hesitating and stammering for the sheer lack of words.

"I…I've been an awful person. I've been…I've been a wreck and it's not right for me to act like this. It isn't fair for you."

"Rose. It's been a rough and sudden change of events for you. I understand the pain and confusion you feel. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a bit of that myself. Well, the confusion, anyway…"

He trailed off. He looked torn halfway between a chortle and a grimace.

"I know," Rose explained, "I just want to talk to you. I want to tell you everything I'm feeling so I know you understand. I want to be sure."

He looked ready to say something, but he stopped himself. Instead, he nodded at Rose – a tacit invitation to begin. He was being remarkably quiet, a testimony in itself to his new, somewhat different persona . Rose did her best to ignore his unusual reticence.

She reminded herself that if anyone in the universe could possibly understand her right now, it was the Doctor. Even if it wasn't "her" Doctor. She sucked in her breath between her teeth and sat down at the kitchen island. The Doctor sat across from her, wearing a vague, forlorn expression. His eyes were glazed over.

"You…you aren't the Doctor I've always known. You have the same memories and behaviors and personality as that man. And yet…you aren't him. Maybe you remember all of our experiences together, but you weren't there for yourself and you _know_ that."

Rose paused, surveying his reaction carefully. He remained taciturn, those glassy eyes still somewhere distant. Their contagiously cheerful glow had been replaced by a hardness and solemnity. Rose stared into his pupils, but she knew he wasn't quite seeing her back. She gave up and continued.

"Another thing…you're…you're human. That makes you another man entirely. You can never, and will never,be the Doctor. You have one heart. His identity is so deeply linked with his race. The Time Lords -- they were everything to him. They still are. Everything he does, feels, expresses. It's all a result of his past. You don't have that same identity, and –"

"Stop it," he demanded, anger written on his face.

Rose was bewildered at his sudden rejoinder. "Stop what?"

"I asked you to tell me your feelings. This sounds more like a laundry list of complaints. I really-"

"List of complaints?!" Rose was incredulous. "Here I am pouring my heart out to you, and you get _defensive_! These aren't BAD things. Nothing about you could ever be bad, in my eyes. How could I ever complain? You're the Doctor – in a way – and all I'm trying to do is make sense of things by listing how you've changed. How you're different."

"Well, you don't sound too pleased about what you've been left with. Would it be better if I left?"

He exclaimed the last part with a genuine fervor, his voice catching with emotion. Rose saw that it wasn't anger, but true pain that fueled his sudden intensity. Realizing this, she reached across the table and put her hand on top of his. Her eyes flickered to his charmingly quaffed hair and ever-distracting lips. Never before had she been so torn between slapping and kissing a person. She was tempted to do both.

Rose felt his single heart's pulse through the wrist that she held in her hand.

"It just hurts to look at you because I know somewhere out there, in the stars, in whatever _stupid _universe, the Doctor is flying around saving the world on his own. Or at least, without me. It kills me that I am supposed to forget about all of this and be happy. He knows I can't do that. _You _know I can't do that." Rose's voice trembled violently. A month's worth of anxious thoughts and doubts that had she had forced into the corners of her mind poured out of her mouth, faster than she could think. At this point the Doctor stopped her.

"Rose," he said with an upward inflection, almost as if asking a question. Rose nodded through her tears as a soundless invitation to continue. "It may not be the same coming from me…but I will do anything for you." He let that sink in a moment.

"He could never tell you that he loved you. A Time Lord could never give himself entirely to a human being, no matter what his true feelings. The Doctor has a task, a grave responsibility that he simply _cannot_ ignore."

His words were white noise; Rose already knew all of this. The Doctor sensed her exasperation; her pleading eyes begged a familiar story.

As much as it hurt him, it was a face to which he simply could not say no.


End file.
